Since I was a kid, I’ve always wanted to put to words what animals feel and think, based on their facial expressions and erratic behavior. So take this as my attempt to give these animals a voice. Allow me to introduce:
To me, the fox is not just a cunning creature with an ever growing appetite for thievery; he’s also a crafty salesman who digs himself into a hole with the personal facts he chooses to divulge. If he could just tame his tongue, he’d be able to close the deal.
Hi, I’m Fox!” he announces.
Nice to meet –
“I’ve got a bushy tail, and you can trust me!” interrupts Fox.
Wait, what do those two things even have in common?
Fox just stares….
Uh, you are very bug-eyed right now…something’s fishy, Mr. Fox!”
“I once bit a child in the park! Sign right here!”
My intuition say NO, Mr. Fox! (Door slams).
Just like that, Fox loses his client. Lucky for him, he is never completely in the hole. He’s still got stealth, which comes in handy when he’s running off with other people’s hard-earned goods.
The Bear doesn’t just have an appetite for mischief, like the Fox; he has an appetite for you. “Come over to my place” Bear says, slyly. We’d love some company. Bear keeps telling you that the main course is “on its way.” But why does Bear have this look on his face like he just won the lottery – and he’s ready to cash in?
The Mountainlion shares the Bear’s carnivorous appetite, but he’s more about the thrill. What can I say, Cougars love the chase!
Lion hopes you run from him. He meditates on it day and night, like he’s mobilizing an airstrike. One of his recurring fantasies goes like this:
It’s mid afternoon, and there’s no sign of life for miles. Then suddenly, you hear a sinister laugh crackle through the canyon. Lion is letting his victim get a head start, while he drums his claws on a rock and smokes a cigar.
Lion’s been known to say, “If you ever run from me, I’ll chase you with such ecstasy that the last thing you’ll see is a grin from ear to ear on the face of your greatest nightmare. My advice: face me like a man.” (He says it like a boxer challenges his opponent before the match.)
There’s a whole slew of unethical activities on Lion’s record, but lying isn’t one of them. He’s true to his word.
Finagins the Cat
Finagins used to be the Palmer’s household pet, but recently got busted for clawing the leather furniture. Now, instead of pushing open the door to the room of yours truly to try and snuggle, he’s forced to find warmth and shelter elsewhere.
Oh no, Finny! Where will you go to escape the occasional frost of these mild pacific northwest winters?
If Finny could talk, I’m pretty sure he’d say something like, “WHAT happened? I know I was running off all the time with neighborhood kitties, and I know I sharpened my claws on your new furniture, but c’mon! It’s a new year, time for Jubilee!”
Finnies sometimes makes a run through the house, only to get swooped up and sentenced again to the great outdoors where dogs chase you up trees, and homeless cats treat you like you’re not one of them.
“Oh, look who it is. It’s Fin”, they snicker. “Yeah, Fin, ha”, says the shamefully uncreative backup homeless kitty.
“How do you do, your highness? Can we get you some warm milk?”
Fin scowls, but he does not entertain their taunts. That’s because Fin hates being treated like an outsider, but loves the idea that he’s a king.
Life isn’t all bad for Fin. After all, Robby adores him. He holds him like a baby in his arms, and continues to, even as Fin squirms to get out of Rob’s stronghold. So no matter how much guys like Ryan Grover hate Finagins and hope for his ill, there’s still Robby. And one person’s love can take you a long way.
Finny would prefer the love of two people, or even three, but he perceives that the world is a harsh place. “If empathy was our currency” says Fin, “our economy would even more in shambles!” Well said, Fin. I can smell your cynicism from here.
“But whenever I confront the swirling chaos and hostility that encircles planet earth…”
Oh, you’re not done yet, philosopher?
“…I humbly take a bow, and hold up Robby’s love like it’s a nobel prize. Someone out there loves me, and that’s better than a warm bed.”